i’m making this post because my summer is almost over. for some reason my semester starts in the middle of august, so i get to trek up and down the mountains in 90+ degree heat and august thunderstorms (last fall semester, i carried around a fan and umbrella every day, a tradition that i will likely continue). most of my summer has, in mahogany fashion, either been spent working at a shitty warehouse job and rotting in my teenage bedroom, which are both exceptionally bad places to be for my soul. i also took two 4-week, blisteringly fast, summer courses. unfortunately this cocktail has resulted in a sedentary yet busy life where i am confined to my room with little energy for anything else besides work and school.
as an aside, this post is inspired by another newsletter: tiya’s diary. hers is a series of “reflections and gratitudes” on each passing month that i am deeply refreshed by every time it pops into my inbox. i know that i am desperately in need of some gratitude in my life, so I wanted to give it a try <3. without further ado, here is my summer (semi-chronologically) in the form of reflections and images and memories.
eating wonderful meals with my friends. being welcomed into a new family with open arms. different languages surrounding me. trying new foods cooked with love and loving every minute of it. laughing and making music together. asking strangers to take our picture. waving at people on steamboats and them waving back. sticky rice and tofu and açaí and pineapple and coxinha teardrops. finally saying “thank you” instead of “sorry”.
finally getting through some of my “want-to-read” list. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 new books surrounding me. being engulfed in a story that i can’t put down. finding new meaning in the world around me. realizing that a good fiction fills a void in my life. learning something new, page after page. shame loosening its hold on me. discussing plots and opinions with friends; figuring out the mystery only to find more, glorious, mystery.
someone who loves me no matter what i do. them taking my picture with adoration in their eyes. the sound of bird calls, sweat beading on my forehead. the call of running water and mud squelching under my boots. rain pattering on the canopy. humidity giving me the biggest, warmest, wettest hug. mountain laurel and tiny little mushrooms sprouting from moss.
dangling my legs off of the cliff. the flash of a Polaroid camera and a smile in their eyes. a butterfly landing on my wrist. the gurgle of a creek and algae between my toes. splashing my friend with the kayak paddle. drunken “i love you”s. being okay with a little more imperfection every day. screaming lyrics on the drive home. veggie pizza and Ale-8-one. love for a home that doesn’t love me back.
traversing a once-polluted, now restored river. the corpse of a forgotten boat. a turtle jumping off the shore. minnows and crawdads and dragonflies. the buzz of bees. fog forgetting the tips of the mountains but remembering the drive home. hairpin turns and no cell service. pulling over to enjoy the view for longer.
going to pride in another city and introducing my world to my friends: hot, sticky, loud, and home. bubbles and photoshoots. screaming with the crowd and encouraging the performers. visiting every booth and bonding with each artisan. shouting compliments to strangers and receiving them tenfold. reveling in a safe place to share queer joy and experience community. smiling despite exhaustion. picnicking under shady trees.
getting lunch with an old teacher but a new friend. an offer to teach again. political discussions among the squeals of milk steamers. reconnecting with old, old friends and finding that nothing has changed between you two, twice. catching up with distant relatives. my mother giving me a tour of her garden every time i visit. vegetarian dinners. celebrating my grandmother’s 80th birthday and going to work the next day. long stretches of highway and changing landscapes.
the flash of a film camera. a dimly lit room. the smell of incense and sweat. the fullness of finally finding a community. industrial bass radiating through my body. laughter. queer joy, trans joy, joy in community and sharing it with each other. rejoicing eager bodies and eager voices. an Art Salón, inspired by Salóns of the past reaching into the future. reading my poetry aloud and receiving love in return. hearing others’ poetry, touching their art, hearing their music, seeing their smiles. cigarette smoke and boxed wine. plums, blackberries, cheeses, bread. vibrant talks of the future, of hope, of mutual aid and being at the forefront of creating a better world.
late night jam sessions. acoustic guitars and wrong chords stuck inside of not-so-wrong chords. singing along. an invitation to stay later. tracking down someone i wanted to talk to and never thought i would be able to again. being treated as an equal. “thank you”s and “thank you”s again. several cigarette butts in a perfect spiral. the smell of book spines. “get home safe”s and “thank you for coming”s and “you’re always welcome back”s.
scrapbooking again, for the first time in almost two years. sitting on my floor covered in glue and memories, making up for lost time. buying another journal in order to put thought and creativity in different places. multicolored technicolor ink flowing onto page after page. greeting my mornings with reflection and contemplation over a cup of hot coffee. feeling like myself again, if only briefly. solitude, not loneliness. the cramps of an ink-smudged hand not used to writing anymore. dozens of versions of me tucked between the pages, ready to speak their mind.
beginning to meditate. wishing i would do it more. restarting a daily tarot practice (again). it fizzling out (again). trying to keep living in a broken world with a neglected spirit. trying to find a balance, and finding it more quickly than i ever expected. attempting to live in the present moment more often. asking for help when i need to. taking up more space, not because i have to, but because i want to.
finally feeling safe in my own skin. growing out my hair and my nails; dying my head and painting my fingertips. getting new piercings (with minimal complications). trying out new hairstyles and succeeding, for the first time in my life. waves returning to my hair after a 5 year hiatus. nurturing my body as best i can. bonding with the kitties in my life. cat-sitting for a close friend. making pour-over tea every morning. listening to music on good speakers, for a change. wood creaking under my weight.
observing little, beautiful, things. loving the little things that nobody else notices. driving 4 hours to see a concert. three encores and an audience sing-along. atmospheric lighting. hand drawn animation. grown-up lessons for childhood films; childish lessons for grown-up films. salty tears and saltier popcorn. seeing more movies in one summer than in the entirety of the last several years and loving every second of it. experiencing a first-time kind of love.
joining a national honor society for transfer students. accepting a research assistant job. starting and finishing two summer courses. studying in coffee shops. constantly catching up on homework. making typos. maintaining my 4.0 GPA (the highest it’s ever been). prioritizing my happiness over my schoolwork, while still prioritizing my schoolwork. learning alongside friends and in solitude.
visiting my favorite lovely coffee shop many, many times. learning about affogatos and ordering two. cold-brew gelato floats. everything bagel sandwiches. pretending to work on my classes. aiming to be the mysterious stranger but being much too clumsy for the execution. making magnet poems inspired by ones strangers already wrote. the smell of freshly ground coffee beans. the reflection of the sun on the walls.
going on aimless, wandering drives again. the wind whipping through my hair. the lump in my throat finally dissipating, if just for a couple of moments. music blasting from my broken speakers: imperfect, whole. singing along like no one is watching. solitary moments with wonderful rituals. golden hour at a park. trying to remember to take pictures. deciding that my life, no matter how hard, is mine to live.
love notes:
my july playlist
a passage from All About Love by bell hooks
an excerpt from Creation Myth by Kanika Ahuja
i’ve spent this summer so deeply solitary that i’m worried that this post might come off as self-centered. i am trying to hold space for that worry while also ensuring that i give myself room to grow. i might not write again for a while, this coming semester is going to be a whirlwind. i’m excited for it, in a fearful, anticipatory way. nevertheless, i want to continue these letters at least once a month, and i am hopeful that i will be able to manage my time well enough to accomplish this. i’m working on another piece, but who knows how long until i finish it. thank you for reading. i love you.
congratulations for all your academic achievements and opportunities - and, perhaps more importantly, for all the big joys you found in life. who knew there could be so much to be grateful for! thank you for sharing
So many things, big and small, to be grateful for. Thank you for sharing + best of luck of this semester!
Side-note: my life hasn’t been the same since discovering affogatos. Had one earlier today. It feels very grown up, but also very child like. I love it 🥰